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Jan. 18th, 2011

suicide, gothic, dark

Writer's Block: Universally speaking

If you could have a conversation with any animal in the world, living or dead (such as a childhood pet), which animal would you choose?

A mountain lion.  My fave
suicide, gothic, dark

(no subject)

I have only broken up with one of my 5 bf's I have had over the years.
It's really depressing........I am the one that is thrown away. I am the one who hurts.  I am the one who is jealous when I see them with someone else.  I am the one who can get over it.
So sense in trying to make them jealous or regretful....they already don't care...that's why they let me go.

I hate feeling this way.....why can't I be the one who comes out on top, or the one ppl regret loosing?

Jan. 13th, 2011

suicide, gothic, dark

another day

I am so out of it.....my brain won't wake up today....

So my good guy friend (M) who is also my ex, is now dating my younger sister.
Me and M used to hang out and chill all the time, finally had a great friendship going, got to be one of the closest ppl to me.......and he and my sis all off a sudden start dating, and he no longer gives a shit about me.

Wonderful awakening.  You think that it would be bro's before hoes, or that you keep your friends close cause they will always be there even though gfs and bfs come and go.......well I think that way , but apparently he doesn't.

We mad plans to chill last night (first time in the last 2 weeks) and instead of going to chill with me, he decided to stick with my sis until she goes to bed.  After she is gone he hangs with me.....normally we would hang, watch a movie and be up late just bullshiting....but after one hour, he just calls it quits and up an leaves....he is trying to act like everything is a the same, but it's not......was making all these sexual jokes about my sis and him...then turning around and making mean sexual jokes about me (I normally wouldn't think too much of this, but he said some things that really hit home...things that I had confided in him).....oh and did I mention that he was texting my sis the whole time we were hanging?....said he was tired and left......I think he snuck back to her room after hanging with me.....

So by looking at that story what can we see......oh, that he won't  hang with me unless he can't be with my sis.  He would rather text her than give me his undivided attention.  He finds it boring to hang with me now. Obviously he thinks I am not as good and my sis, and likes to keep reminding me. He is hanging with me to keep peace in the family.  He isn't hanging out with me cause he wants to, it's just cause he feels that he needs to in order to keep some sort of 'friendship' between us, so I don't turn things fowl for him and my sis.
He wants to have his cake and eat it to.

My sis knows what's going on, but she still tries to play her innocent card.  She lost that a long, long time ago.  I don't buy her bullshit anymore, she knows what she is doing and what is happening and what it means to me and our who family, but she doesn't care.  Her and M both don't give a shit.  They play dumb, but I don't buy it for a second.

I would NEVER date an ex, brother, friend, or roommate of anyone who is my friend or family member.  It fucks up the relationship you have with that person.  Always. 
Just like things are getting fucked up here.
I am angry at them both.
I hate this so so so much.

Jan. 12th, 2011

suicide, gothic, dark

talking

The basic about me is on my profile I guess, so no need to go over them again....

So I am a notorious vent-er. People used to not be  able to shut me up. Any kind of mood I was in ppl would know, to the fullest extent.
A lot of that has changed over the last few years.  I felt way to venerable, too much like an open book so I started to change myself to become a little more private and reserved in what I tell ppl.  I still need to have someone to talk to and someone who I know I can trust, but now I only tell select ppl select things.  Not one person knows everything about me anymore.  It is still a work in progress, but  I feel a lot safer this way.
It has it's down side too though.  Now since I am not as open with ppl anymore, they get upset if I don't tell them everything, and friends and some family members have drifted away because of it.  Another thing is that now, the stuff that I don't tell ppl, I have to work out inside my head alone.  It's really hard for me to bounce things around in there and work them out.  Everything just seems to build up till eventually I explode.

I also made a goal, not to cry or let myself fall into panic attacks.  This has proved hard as hell to do.  Now I hardly ever cry, but when it all keeps building up, it makes it harder and harder to keep it under wraps.  Sometimes when I do feel like breaking down, my body just won't let me.  It's not easy for me to turn the switch on and off.

I guess the subjects that I have talked about so far are kind of heavy, but these are the things I don't talk to ppl about.  Funny, that the things I do not talk to ppl about are the things that I post on the internet for everyone to see.  Outlet I guess....ppl don't know me and I don't know them.  No judgment, just reacting to what is seen or read.  I guess talking to the unknown masses is easier than talking to one close friend. 

Jan. 7th, 2011

suicide, gothic, dark

Hello

This is my first post as you can tell.
I hate to come right out with negative stuff, without properly introducing myself, but I guess anyone who wants to know about me can just read these entries and piece it together. 
Not like anyone really gives a shit anyhow.

So I am the oldest of 5. Girl, boy, girl, boy, girl.  The hott redhead is the middle child....everyone else has brown hair.   She is the one who got all the good, unique looks in the family.  She is 6 years younger than me.

She is not very outgoing, but I am.  I meet ppl and they become my friends.  They meet her and suddenly they are HER friends, not mine anymore.  She flirts, she giggles, she gives them vast loads of fun, silly attention.  I become the older, 1st friend...but now the boring one.  Suddenly I am not good enough as a friend I once was just cause my sis, steps in and is a silly bobble-head.  I can be a friend, and be fun, but I do not lead ppl on, flirt without intention, of throw around physical attention. 
Hell why wouldn't they go for her instead?

Guys that I have been interested in, have lost interest in me after meeting her.  Every guy I have every known has to tell me how cute/hott my sis is. I have lost friends to her. 
My recent ex, was trying to get with her while he was with me.  He admitted to always thinking she was cuter, but not doing anything because at the time she was underage. We were together two years.....and this was going on the whole time.

Now another ex of mine, who has stayed good friends with my family through the years, is interested in her.  Him ad I have just came to a place where we could call each other best friends....he starts hanging with my sis, and now he is interested in her. If I try to hang out with them both, they ignore me, or make me the butt of their jokes. It's like I am not in the room at all.  The talk over me, they don't listen and they have all their little inside jokes that I am not apart of. 
I can't stand hanging out with them.  I have talked to both about it, but the situation never changes. They turned it on me saying that I just didn't want them to be happy. 
I don't want my ex.  I liked him as a friend, but I am loosing him to my sis, the same way I lost my boyfriend, my interests, and my other friends. I know how this is going to play out and I really don't feel like living through it again.

No matter what I always loose to my sis.  I am sick of my friend leaving me for her.  She is always considered the smart one and has the most potential. I star something, she copies me, and she get the recognition. Every ime. I am sick of always being second-best.  She the pretty, I am the plain.  I hate it.